Friday, September 21, 2012

Carpe de blog

First of all it's important to establish that I am not dying. There are some unlucky people in this world like my grandmother who are struck suddenly with grim and horrific illness. I am not one of them, rather I am the Kitty Bennet of the world, constantly plagued by colds, flues and allergies but never anything life threatening.
The worst you can say about me is that I have type 2 diabetes and to be fair that happened because I binge ate chocolate while I had glandular fever.

So, why a bucket list blog then? because as the epic and much studied Australian film strictly ballroom said " a life lived in  fear is a life half lived".
Once, a long time ago I was the fearless little girl everyone knew. No, I'm not talking about doing reckless dangerous things like juggling appliances or starting fires.
That isn't fearless, that's just foolishness.
Rather I was the little girl who never let any ones opinion stop me from doing anything.
Of course this drove everyone crazy, by the time I was two my mother had enrolled me in twenty different classes to preserve her sanity.
By the time I was ten my schedule was packed with singing, dancing and acting classes. In the summer I drew pictures and attended exhibits of ancient mummies.
Above everything else I dreamed of being the C S Lewis of my generation.

Then, one day my brother started yelling at me. To be fair we always screamed at each other but when I was fifteen and he hit puberty the words changed.  Shut up became "shut up bitch", " go away" became " I'm going to fucking kill you" the weekly screaming matches became daily until I couldn't remember a time when I wasn't called fat, stupid, or the holy trio of "fat stupid bitch".
But this isn't about those dark days.

Almost anyone can find themselves waking up one morning in a call centre, staring at a screen while a hysterical lunatic screeches about things that never mattered.
You awake with true surprise when a co-worker notices something tiny, you can draw.
Why wouldn't they know that? why would people you spend every day with know nothing about your talents and passions?

You realise that you are terrified.
Terrified of rejection.
Terrified of hate.
Terrified of being that stupid fat bitch you always secretly thought you were.

Which is lets face it idiotic, giving into that sort of attitude allows the nasty people of the world to continue with their unpleasant and some what cruel behaviour.

I suppose this is an attempt to stop being scared little Heather even if I end up coming across as narcissistic and obnoxious.
Do I expect this to become a huge success which will change my life and become a Hollywood film? well that would be nice.
But no.
Rather this is to prove I can be the person I was.

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